On Sex

I’m a therapist who talks with guys all day. As you can imagine, sex comes up as much as any other topic.

Most of the time, it’s in the form of men trying to figure out why they’re not having more of it with their spouse.

They’re comfortable enough to bring this up with me, but they’ve usually never had the same conversation with their wives.

If you took a look at our culture, with our halftime shows, our Sydney Sweeneys and our beaches filled with thong bathing suits, you’d think, “Now that’s a culture that’s pretty comfortable with its sexuality.”

And in one sense, maybe we are. We sure like the idea of sex. We just don’t like talking about it. At least not with the person we’re having it with.

And like anything else in a relationship, when we don’t talk about it, it tends to deteriorate slowly over time.

What’s there to talk about? Well, there are a lot of reasons a couple’s sex life can dwindle to almost nothing. There are physical issues, body issues and performance concerns to name a few.

But the variable I run into the most is lack of connection.

Is it a coincidence that we’re living through what feels like a connection crisis and, at the same time, we are seeing a sharp decline in how much sex couples are having?

I can’t see how.

I don’t want to fall into stereotypes, but a lot of the men I talk to say some version of, If we had more sex, I think we’d have a more satisfying marriage. We’d feel closer. And probably more connected.

From what my clients tell me, their wives are often coming at it from the opposite direction. If we felt closer, talked more, had more fun together, I’d probably want to have more sex.

I think they’re both right. Stronger connection leads to more sex. And more sex leads to stronger connection.

But neither has much of a chance of taking place if we won’t talk about what’s going on between us. And when we don’t talk about it openly, we’re left to rely on our mind’s hypotheses.

She just doesn’t want me. She doesn’t find me attractive. We’ve lost the spark.

And before long, our minds spiral into fears about the future. What does this mean for our marriage? The couple down the street just got divorced. Is this how that starts? God, what’s it going to be like when the kids are out of the house? We will be like total strangers.

We can start to feel rejected or unwanted. Maybe even a little embarrassed that we care so much and she seems indifferent.

Resentment can start creeping in, and rather than moving toward our wives, we pull further away. Which, of course, makes connection harder, sex less likely, and the whole thing becomes one big unhelpful loop.

Oftentimes, as men, we want sex with someone at the end of a day that we’ve kept at arm’s length for the remainder of our waking hours.

Sure, we may bitch about the neighbors and our fantasy team, but some of us are a lot more hesitant to talk about anything of depth with our spouses.

And you know what, sometimes that’s not our intention. A lot of guys are being asked to be more emotionally expressive and to connect on deeper levels these days. Meanwhile, they grew up in an era where these very attributes were intentionally trained out of us. Don’t cry, we often heard.

So ladies, please have patience while we catch up. But guys, please get uncomfortable, put forth the effort, and learn to talk about real shit.  

Other times, as men, we really are trying to connect and be open. We’ve read the books. Just check our nightstand.

We would learn to do backflips if it worked.

But our wives may be in different places in life. They may be dealing with health issues, hormonal changes, or feeling pulled in a million different directions. They may simply have a hard time relaxing enough to want sex.

After all, life is going at a breakneck speed.

Sex becomes something we’ll get to once everything “calms down a bit.”

We gotta pick up the pet meds. Call the plumber. Find time to have sex. Usually in that order.

But by the end of any given day, we’re drained. Sex can start to feel like one more obligation in a long line of people needing something from me.

For many of us, our stress levels stay so high, so often, that it’s hard to relax enough to settle into connection, much less sex.

We’re also living in an era of distractibility, where our attention is being pulled in a hundred different directions by that soft glow of comfort.

And sometimes sitting down, laughing, talking, and really connecting with our spouse is frankly less appealing than those other options. It takes more work. We are already tired. And sometimes we don’t feel like doing any more work.

So it all gets pushed aside. He is waiting to have sex to feel more connected. And she is waiting to feel more connected to have sex.

But as Mae West said, “Sex is an emotion in motion.” The two go hand in hand. Can’t really separate them.

And when that emotional connection starts to fade, our sex lives often follow. And vice versa.

But for most of the men that I work with, the physical desire doesn’t go anywhere.

So how do we conveniently satisfy that?

Yep, porn.

We can’t have a conversation on sex without at least acknowledging this one.

It’s everywhere. At our fingertips. We know it’s shaping young people’s expectations around sex, but it’s worth asking whether it’s shaping ours too.

After all, we grew up with Cinemax and Playboy. But we’ve lived in this ecosystem long enough to have our minds morphed as well.

Sometimes a guy is using porn enough that his appetite for sex is lower.  

Problem’s already been solved, his body says. Twitter or Netflix will suffice for tonight.

Other times it creates a contrast.

While watching porn, his mind is saying, So sex should be like this, but in actuality it’s like that.

All of a sudden, the temporary solution has become another obstacle.

I’m not saying don’t use porn. I’m not saying use porn. It doesn’t matter what I say. I’m saying recognize that it’s fictional. It’s like watching a movie. And then ask yourself if it’s becoming a hindrance to the most important relationship in your life.

For a lot of us, porn is just easier. Easier than having the conversation, risking rejection, or putting work back into the relationship.

Marriage is hard. I’m right there in it with you. And with all the demands and distractions of modern life, maintaining a healthy one may be harder than ever.

But there’s no getting around it. A good marriage requires effort from both people.

Sometimes, we expect our marriages to keep producing without feeling like we need to tend to them. It’s like having a garden we never water or weed, and then we wonder why nothing’s growing.

But at some point, we both have to sit down and figure out what matters most to us, decide to stop taking it for granted, and start to give it the time and energy it deserves.

One Thing to Try

Just start the conversation.

Don’t go into it trying to fix anything. Just get curious.

What is our sex life like for you? What gets in the way? How often would you like to have sex? What do you miss? What would you like to be different?

And listen. You might learn something about your partner you didn’t know.

And while you’re at it, talk about more than sex. The pressure you’re under. Whether you’re having any fun. What you both want out of the rest of life.

The depth we’re willing to go often determines how deeply we connect.